When The Phone Rings In The Still Of The Night
When the phone rings in the still of the night... when you get that sinking feeling that it just isn't good news... when you let it ring more than you have to because you just know that it isn't good news... when your brain is screaming at you not to answer... DON'T!
The phone never rings past 9 PM at my house, rarely that late even, so when things were quiet and my phone rang at 10 PM my heart plummeted south, even north too, at the exact same time I think. I knew why the phone was begging to be answered. It was like my brain was screaming... if you don't answer it you big dummy then it can't really have happened, but no, that logical part of my brain kicked in as if begging to get the heart wrenching news.
"He's gone", the words echoed in my head. "What?" Is all that would spill from my mouth. Why is it when you know exactly what was said in the presentation of bad news you have to make the bearer repeat themselves?
My Mother's best friend's husband passed away yesterday afternoon after a short battle with leukemia. I'm relieved that he didn't have to suffer, but I'm angry again. Angry that he had to get sick to start with. I'm SICK of death. I'm SICK of bad news. I'm SICK of that word... CANCER. It screams at me from every corner. Dare I admit that I'm angry at God? I am, you know, and I admit it, here for all the world that comes here to read. Yes, DAMMIT, I'm angry at God.
Now it's time for my Mother's best friend to go through the exact same thing she herself has been going through since 2003. My Mother isn't alone now, not that she ever was. Is this going to help my Mother by taking her mind off her own grief, only to find it still there some point later? Will this make my Mother's grief twice as bad? I guess only time will tell.
Now it's going to be even harder for her to leave her home to come to my brother or myself, where she can be taken care of. I know she needs to be there for her best friend. I want her to be there for her, but at what price for her own health? Stress and sadness manifests itself physically in my Mother. Will this bring on another health crisis for her?
I'm sick and tired of sadness, of death, of illness. I have to wonder when it will end. It's been one person after another since my Dad became ill in 2001. I stand this morning screaming to the heavens for it to just END. DAMMIT, JUST STOP! I've had enough!! NO MORE!!
The phone never rings past 9 PM at my house, rarely that late even, so when things were quiet and my phone rang at 10 PM my heart plummeted south, even north too, at the exact same time I think. I knew why the phone was begging to be answered. It was like my brain was screaming... if you don't answer it you big dummy then it can't really have happened, but no, that logical part of my brain kicked in as if begging to get the heart wrenching news.
"He's gone", the words echoed in my head. "What?" Is all that would spill from my mouth. Why is it when you know exactly what was said in the presentation of bad news you have to make the bearer repeat themselves?
My Mother's best friend's husband passed away yesterday afternoon after a short battle with leukemia. I'm relieved that he didn't have to suffer, but I'm angry again. Angry that he had to get sick to start with. I'm SICK of death. I'm SICK of bad news. I'm SICK of that word... CANCER. It screams at me from every corner. Dare I admit that I'm angry at God? I am, you know, and I admit it, here for all the world that comes here to read. Yes, DAMMIT, I'm angry at God.
Now it's time for my Mother's best friend to go through the exact same thing she herself has been going through since 2003. My Mother isn't alone now, not that she ever was. Is this going to help my Mother by taking her mind off her own grief, only to find it still there some point later? Will this make my Mother's grief twice as bad? I guess only time will tell.
Now it's going to be even harder for her to leave her home to come to my brother or myself, where she can be taken care of. I know she needs to be there for her best friend. I want her to be there for her, but at what price for her own health? Stress and sadness manifests itself physically in my Mother. Will this bring on another health crisis for her?
I'm sick and tired of sadness, of death, of illness. I have to wonder when it will end. It's been one person after another since my Dad became ill in 2001. I stand this morning screaming to the heavens for it to just END. DAMMIT, JUST STOP! I've had enough!! NO MORE!!
posted by little one | 1/16/2006 09:40:00 AM
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