A Work In Progress?
UGH!!!!
It seems that I’ve been bottling my feelings up inside me again. I’m not sure I’m at the point that I can agree with that. Maybe I have and just don’t realize it. This has always been an issue for me. Guy is making me write this because he’s been giving me hard time for the last week or so about not talking about how I’m feeling, trying to take on the world myself and not letting him in on it. I do know I do this. I’ve mentioned before that I’m not much the “talker”. I’ve always, my entire life felt that I can deal with MY problems and feelings as just that, MY problems and feelings. I try to change that, to be more open, but it’s just not an easy thing for me. At times I can express my thoughts and fears and joys, but other times I just want them to stay just where they’re at, with ME. To me, that’s just where they belong. Now, I know when you have a mate, that’s not right. That’s why I’m trying to change that. I WANT to be able to share everything I feel with him. Well, part of me does anyway, the logical side of me. He says I’m a wounded soul. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.
Whenever I’ve went too long without opening up to him, there is only one solution; being over his knee, being soundly but lovingly spanked. Maybe blistered is a better word for it, seeing how stubborn I am. Some of the worst spankings I’ve received from him have been for not sharing with him. It’s my biggest rule, and one he takes VERY seriously. It’s the first thing we talked about the first time he ever spanked me.
With that being said, according to him I have one hell of a blistering coming my way. I don’t look forward to these. For one reason, they hurt like HELL. Another reason is, there is SO much emotion involved. Sure, afterwards I’m happy as can be that it happened. Only then do I know it’s what I needed. I feel so much closer to him; I’m easily able to open my WHOLE self up to him, to express every thought, fear and joy that has been buried so deep down in. Once again, all feels right with the world, or at least between us anyway.
I know I need to learn to reach out more to HIM. Old habits die hard I suppose. I wonder if, in this sense, I will always be a work in progress. Does it ever get easier? I trust him with everything I am, there’s no doubt about that. I can honestly say that it’s not a trust issue. He means the world to me. He is my life. He knows me better than anyone has ever known me my whole life. So why don’t I open up to him... reach out to him... lean on him more? I wish I had the answers. The only answer I have is... I’m me, in all my complexity.
He’s pretty fed up with me in that sense at the moment and I know what kind of spanking I have coming. It will be a long, hard, emotion-releasing spanking to beat all spankings. He won’t stop when I beg him to stop, pleading that I’ve had enough. He will only stop when he KNOWS what he’s done has accomplished the goal he had in mind. He’ll stop when I’m laying limp over his lap, reduced to a puddle of tears, ready to pour my WHOLE heart out to him. He’ll then gently wipe my tears away and hold onto me tightly. He’ll reassure me that my heart is safe with him, and not only is it OK to lean on him, to reach out to him, to open my heart to him, but it’s what’s expected. It’s what’s good and right. He will teach me that is the only way a relationship can survive. Will I always be a work in progress?
It seems that I’ve been bottling my feelings up inside me again. I’m not sure I’m at the point that I can agree with that. Maybe I have and just don’t realize it. This has always been an issue for me. Guy is making me write this because he’s been giving me hard time for the last week or so about not talking about how I’m feeling, trying to take on the world myself and not letting him in on it. I do know I do this. I’ve mentioned before that I’m not much the “talker”. I’ve always, my entire life felt that I can deal with MY problems and feelings as just that, MY problems and feelings. I try to change that, to be more open, but it’s just not an easy thing for me. At times I can express my thoughts and fears and joys, but other times I just want them to stay just where they’re at, with ME. To me, that’s just where they belong. Now, I know when you have a mate, that’s not right. That’s why I’m trying to change that. I WANT to be able to share everything I feel with him. Well, part of me does anyway, the logical side of me. He says I’m a wounded soul. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.
Whenever I’ve went too long without opening up to him, there is only one solution; being over his knee, being soundly but lovingly spanked. Maybe blistered is a better word for it, seeing how stubborn I am. Some of the worst spankings I’ve received from him have been for not sharing with him. It’s my biggest rule, and one he takes VERY seriously. It’s the first thing we talked about the first time he ever spanked me.
With that being said, according to him I have one hell of a blistering coming my way. I don’t look forward to these. For one reason, they hurt like HELL. Another reason is, there is SO much emotion involved. Sure, afterwards I’m happy as can be that it happened. Only then do I know it’s what I needed. I feel so much closer to him; I’m easily able to open my WHOLE self up to him, to express every thought, fear and joy that has been buried so deep down in. Once again, all feels right with the world, or at least between us anyway.
I know I need to learn to reach out more to HIM. Old habits die hard I suppose. I wonder if, in this sense, I will always be a work in progress. Does it ever get easier? I trust him with everything I am, there’s no doubt about that. I can honestly say that it’s not a trust issue. He means the world to me. He is my life. He knows me better than anyone has ever known me my whole life. So why don’t I open up to him... reach out to him... lean on him more? I wish I had the answers. The only answer I have is... I’m me, in all my complexity.
He’s pretty fed up with me in that sense at the moment and I know what kind of spanking I have coming. It will be a long, hard, emotion-releasing spanking to beat all spankings. He won’t stop when I beg him to stop, pleading that I’ve had enough. He will only stop when he KNOWS what he’s done has accomplished the goal he had in mind. He’ll stop when I’m laying limp over his lap, reduced to a puddle of tears, ready to pour my WHOLE heart out to him. He’ll then gently wipe my tears away and hold onto me tightly. He’ll reassure me that my heart is safe with him, and not only is it OK to lean on him, to reach out to him, to open my heart to him, but it’s what’s expected. It’s what’s good and right. He will teach me that is the only way a relationship can survive. Will I always be a work in progress?
posted by little one | 11/27/2005 10:15:00 AM
<< Home